The Stories We Tell (Ourselves)
This blog post is the third in a series on growth mindset. You can read the first one here. Stay tuned for the next post about specific ways to develop growth mindset.
Does this story sound familiar?
Once upon a time there was a human. He / she lived a normal life. Every day he / she got up to water the plants in the garden. It was a lovely garden. The smell of fresh exuberance permeated the air. The plants were wonderfully vivid, each one wearing proudly its own unique color. The human was happy.
One day the human got up as usual, feeling calm and content. He / she went to the garden, but lo and behold! The garden was in disarray and most plants had faded dramatically. What had happened?
On an average day, we barely think about what’s happening and why it’s happening. We go through the motions, almost in an automated fashion. Until one day we hit a snag and face an obstacle or challenge of some sort. Then our minds go into overdrive. We think, and think, and think, trying desperately to understand. The people around us generously share all of their (often unsolicited) opinions.
The story we tell ourselves (or the explanations we adopt) is what determines our course of action.
“I must suck at gardening. What was I thinking? My parents / teachers / friends / neighbors kept telling me I am not good at this. They were right — no more gardening for me. What a silly idea!”
“I have maintained such a lovely garden. I’ve shown that I am good at this. But what if it were a fluke? What if I am actually not as good as I thought? What if I am never able to grow such a garden again? It’s better to just let it go and not try again because I can’t handle feeling inadequate.”
“Being good isn’t good enough. I have to be perfect. Perfect garden or bust!”
If we told ourselves any of the above three stories, we would drop everything and never garden again. Maybe that’s not a big deal and seems insignificant. But how we handle one such situation could not only lead to a missed opportunity (perhaps gardening brings us great joy), we also condition ourselves to be more risk-averse toward the next thing we do. That story eats away at our very identity as the kind of human we are.
OR we could say:
“That was very upsetting. I loved my garden. What could have caused this? What could I learn from the experience? How do I ensure I don’t repeat this mistake and keep honing my gardening skills?”
If we told ourselves this story, we’d double down on our efforts, keep improving our skills, and likely discover the cause of the problem, come out with renewed zeal, and grow an even lovelier garden.
Growth mindset is the belief that we can get better at [fill in the blank]. One effective way to do that is to face an adversity — our garden dying — learn from it and overcome it. People with a growth mindset cope with the struggle and difficulty that accompanies real learning. People with a fixed mindset give up when they face a challenge.
The thing is we are not always exhibiting a growth mindset or a fixed mindset. We go back and forth depending on the context, and on the stories we tell ourselves. So how do we ensure we tell ourselves a helpful story that pushes us to overcome setbacks?
If, as I mentioned in my previous post, fear is to be accepted and appreciated, stories need to be debunked.
- Don’t label others, and certainly don’t label yourself. (“I am a terrible gardener” is a label.)
- Ignore unhelpful feedback, from others and from yourself. {“Person X keeps telling me I am not meant to be a gardener” is that kind of feedback.)
- Don’t tell yourself you have to be perfect at something. That’s simply not true. In fact, it’s your fixed mindset talking to discourage you from even trying.
In addition, heed the powerful recommendations from Brené Brown:
- Practice courage and reach out! Share your experience with someone who has earned the right to hear it — someone who loves you, not despite your vulnerabilities, but because of them.
- Talk to yourself the way you would talk to someone you love and whom you are trying to comfort in the midst of a crisis: you are human — we all make mistakes.
- Own the story! Don’t bury it and let it fester or define you. If we own the story we get to narrate the ending. As Carl Jung said, “I am not what has happened to me. I am what I choose to become.”
What is YOUR garden story?
To learn more on the topic, take a look at these resources:
- Read Trevor Ragan’s short article Deconstructing Mistakes
- Watch Brene Brown’s TED Talk
- Watch the Know Your Inner Saboteur TED Talk
Zarko Palankov seeks ways to connect ideas, people and organizations, to create platforms for learning, collaboration and growth, and to fundamentally change the leadership paradigm: how we work together toward a common vision. He is building a social venture, LeadIN, that grows the individual and collective leadership of people and organizations. LeadIN brings people together to learn, share, and grow their leadership.
Feel free to contact Zarko at zarko@lead-in.co or follow LeadIN on Twitter @leadincommunity.
