My Search for Meaning

I have been writing this blog post for almost two years now. Every time I went back to it, something seemed off, and I couldn’t quite finish it. I now know why.

I first started this blog post as a personal quest for my story, my purpose, my meaning. Is there any wonder that I was struggling? Could anything else be more difficult than discovering and sharing your own story?

I learned two key lessons that I hope are useful to others.

Key lesson # 1: We don’t have ONE defining story

I thought that you just needed to go back to your childhood to identify and describe that one moment that reveals something deep about you and elucidates your purpose.

So I had been looking for that ONE story that would exemplify who I am and give meaning to everything I do. Well, life is not a movie where the storyline magically fits together. The future is unknown. And the past makes sense only in retrospect (and even then, it only makes sense because you want to explain it and want to craft a coherent narrative).

We can identify multiple moments in life that define and shape us. We wouldn’t know it as we live through them, but they leave a mark and we can learn from them if we search inside ourselves.

Key lesson # 2: You may never fully find yourself, but you should never stop searching.

If there isn’t just one story, then how do you truly find yourself? How do you look for meaning and know when you’ve discovered it? Well, there’s no final outcome: there’s no one true, authentic version of you hiding somewhere to be unveiled. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t bother looking. It’s the process of self-exploration that is much more important and brings great value.

My invitation: take the time to find your stories.

I wrote this for myself. My purpose in sharing is less about putting ‘my story’ out there in the world, and more about encouraging others to dig deep and be vulnerable. You may relate to my story or find it boring. That’s alright. It doesn’t matter. It’s not about my story, it’s about the experience of searching for one. I encourage you to do the same. And if you decide to put it out there in the world, I’d be an enthusiastic reader!

One Story of Self

I grew up in a country at a time when my parents spent their entire careers working in fields they didn’t care about because they had no other choice. Twenty years later I held a university degree from a U.S. university and could choose whatever career I wanted. And yet, I didn’t know what or how to choose.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but as a fresh college graduate I held an inherent dislike for what I imagined the traditional office job to be like. Without having the vocabulary to describe it or the experience to validate it, I associated ‘job’ with something one must do to free up time and resources for a comfortable life.

So what did I do? First, I thought I could avoid it all by writing short stories, and even started a novel. (The protagonist was a doctor named Pavel.) Then I proceeded to further delay the inevitable by going to grad school. And after grad school came the 2008 financial crisis. So I did the next logical thing — I co-founded a nonprofit organization in language education. Unwittingly, I created an opportunity to do something meaningful and I had the chance to use and develop my strengths (which I was unaware of).

I spent the first seven years of my professional life building an organization with zero knowledge and expertise. I loved the challenge and the steep learning curve. For the first 4–5 years I thought that was my career, my calling, my life. Until it wasn’t.

I went back to the drawing board. No writing short stories this time around. I did the conventional thing — I applied for jobs. I explored with great curiosity; I crafted and refined my resume; I wove together one cover letter after another. And released them into the black hole of automated HR systems.

While I kept failing at the ‘get a regular job’ piece, I spent time serving on a nonprofit board, connecting to the startup scene, volunteering with various groups — basically, interacting with different people doing things I wouldn’t have been exposed to previously. But no matter who I spoke to and what they did, what I kept hearing over and over again was a deep dissatisfaction with the workplace. Then I encountered the Gallup Employee Engagement survey.

70% of U.S. employees are not engaged at work.

We spend 80,000 hours of our lives at work, and yet most of us are disengaged. My parents were disengaged because they couldn’t choose their careers and were stuck in unfulfilling jobs. And what about people today? Why don’t we like our jobs?

Perhaps the people we work with don’t understand, respect or value us. Perhaps the actual work is too easy (or too difficult) or doesn’t allow us to use our strengths. Perhaps we can’t connect the work to a higher purpose; we can’t find a meaningful mission to contribute to. Or a combination thereof.

Over time I uncovered my own source of inspiration. The nonprofit organization recruited and trained native speakers from different walks of life to volunteer their time to teach their language and share their culture with adults in the Washington, DC area.

As soon as these people stepped into the classroom, they transformed. Passion, vulnerability, confidence, an intense drive to learn, to succeed, to serve — our volunteers discovered something new and genuine about themselves. They didn’t become different people; they unlocked a deeper version of themselves.

Somehow, in striving to make language learning accessible, we had created a space for hundreds of people to learn, grow, and tap into their potential. And in the process I had stumbled upon a different passion — creating space, opportunities, communities for people to be better, to do better, to thrive.

So what’s my (current) purpose? Create opportunities for people to explore, learn with and from others, be better, do better, grow, and treat one another with a little more understanding, dignity, empathy, and respect.

What’s yours?

Read about Public Narrative and how to craft your own story of self.

Zarko Palankov seeks ways to connect ideas, people and organizations, to create platforms for learning, collaboration and growth, and to fundamentally change the leadership paradigm: how we work together toward a common vision. He is building a social venture, LeadIN, that grows the individual and collective leadership of people and organizations. LeadIN brings people together to learn, share, and grow their leadership.

Feel free to contact Zarko at zarko@lead-in.co or follow LeadIN on Twitter @leadincommunity.